Say Yes to You!

Have you ever had anyone speak to you in a tone that made you feel uncomfortable? And yet, you said nothing. Have you ever done something for someone or with someone that you really didnt want to do? And yet, you did it anyway, only to become resentful later.
Every time you say nothing, every time you let it slide, every time you do something for someone else that you dont want to do, you tell yourself that the other person means more than you. In essence, you give yourself (and others) the message that you dont matter.
How it begins
One of the first words we learn to say as infants is no. We learn this word partly because we hear it so frequently and its an easy word to pronounce. It becomes a popular word as we move into the toddler years. Then we learn that its not nice to say no, that we need to do as we are told. As children, this is how we learn right from wrong; its how we learn acceptable behavior.
As we grow, we allow people to convince us to do things that are not congruent with the way we want to be. Somewhere along the way to adulthood, our ability to say no gets lost. It becomes easier to tell ourselves no than to say no to others, so we ignore our own feelings and go with the flow. What matters is that we please others. So we take on projects and additional responsibilities that wed rather not do and after awhile we become proudly known for getting it done. Over time, we become resentful and unhappy. We continue to repeat the same messages we were taught as children and never question whether they serve us as adults.

Paying the price
Saying yes when youd rather not means youre really saying no to yourself. This undermines your self-esteem. You unwittingly tell yourself that the other persons needs come before your own and you devalue yourself. And, until you are ready to take responsibility for yourself, it will continue.
You may be accustomed to placing the needs of others before yourself. And yet, cant you be just as caring when you care for yourself first?
When I met Susan, it was just before Christmas. She told me that 45 people were coming over for Christmas dinner. She was excited to say that her mother was coming but her demeanor changed when she said her siblings were coming with their spouses, children and grandchildren. She was clearly not looking forward to this dinner; it was a lot of work and she was expected to cook every year family members did not take turns, although some of her sisters brought food. I asked her to tell me what the perfect Christmas dinner would be like. She said it would just be the seven of them her husband, her children, and her mother. So I asked her what would happen if she told everyone that she was no longer going to have Christmas dinner for everyone. Interestingly, she had not considered it as a possibility. She just figured shed be stuck having this dinner every year, ad infinitum. She didnt realize that she could choose to do something different; she just needed to give herself permission.
Just as she believes that it is her duty to have this dinner, it is possible that her relatives attend out of a sense of duty. She might find that once her true feelings are exposed that others share the same feelings of obligation. Either way, she is entitled to spend Christmas dinner in a way that brings her the most joy. Until she is honest with herself and others, she will continue to suffer needlessly.
What things in your life do you continue to do over and over because thats how its always been? Not only is it all right, it is imperative that you question the things you do and consciously choose how to spend your time and energy. Its your life. You can live by design or by default. Either way, you only live once.

Learn to follow your heart
How do you learn to say no? By practicing. Learn to pause before you answer any request made of you, whether its for your time, energy or money, etc. Then search your heart for what you really want. How do you feel to say yes to this request? How do you feel to say no? Which feels better? Even if youre not sure why, go with your gut. Learning to listen to your inner self is critical. Every time you say no, you say yes to you. This builds self-esteem, and as you honor yourself, you reclaim your personal power.

Learning to say no to things you dont want means youre able to say yes to things you do want. Eliminating things that you dont want in your life, things that dont make you feel good, gives you the time, energy and space to add things that you do enjoy. When you say yes to meeting your own needs and wants, you validate yourself; this builds confidence and inner strength. When you feel good, youre happier, more productive and you have more fun!

You can say no with grace and love. As you say no to others, dont make them wrong; simply state your Truth. And dont apologize! (Youre doing nothing wrong!) Simply state that you are unable to take on any more projects and that you have stopped doing things that are not your responsibility or not in your best interest. If you can, refer them to someone who can help them or show them how to do it for themselves.

Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.
The highest level of respect you can give is the respect you show yourself. People often say that you must give respect in order to get it; in order to get it, you must give it to yourself. As you treat yourself with compassion and love, you teach others how you expect to be treated, and by raising your standards, you permit others to do the same.
Julie Fuimano, MBA, BSN, RN is a Success Coach and co-founder of Nurturing Your Success, Inc. Her passion is coaching clients on leadership and career development, communication, team building, marketing and branding. You may visit Julie at www.nurturingyoursuccess.com or write to her at Julie@nurturingyoursuccess.com.